2016

This may be a few weeks earlier that I would usually post something like this but I have been feeling it so in the spirit of feeling what I feel when I feel it here we are.

 

2016 has been a shit year. It has sucked. 2015 ended with Beth dying and turmoil and crazyness and this year launched with uneasy-ness, a car accident and generally a very rocky start. It had usual ups and downs and in the middle I was done. Crushed, hurt and broken in mental, physical and emotional ways. This year my now ex crashed by car and totaled it, the man I thought I would spend my life with left me and I broke my ankle. I proceeded to spend 4ish months in a haze of mild depression, tears, eating badly, sleeping badly and generally hating everything. And that was just my personal life. My job sucked, major celerities and icons died and a number of other unpleasant things have happened.

 

I feel as if for the first time in a long long long long time I am finally coming out of this. I am hoping that this is a corner I have been waiting to turn. I am hoping all my work is paying off. I am hoping it works out. I know it will but I spent last year trying to catch a break and this year I was the bug on the windshield almost every single day. I’m gonna be the car next time.

On the upside I have formed friendships I couldn’t have imagined, made friends I cant live without and remembered all the good things I have. It still hurts sometimes, it still sucks and I miss my car, my partner and my old life some days but then I remember that I don’t have to drink at night so that I can sleep, I don’t feel pressured to take care of anyone but me, I don’t have a constant sense of overwhelming panic that just won’t go away. I am me again for the first time in over a year. I really missed me. I’m pretty good. So here’s to an upswing because fuck me its been a hell of a year and I am ready for something new.

I’m still hurting

A couple of years ago I met someone by accident. We hit it off. He was fun, I was fun. It was easy and scary and wonderful for a long time. I fell in love. Head over heels, punch you in the gut, smiling at my phone, worrying about nothing because it was safe in love.

We spent the first year of that relationship happy and laughing and challenging one another and being with each other and I cared about someone in a way that I didn’t know I could. I worked hard. I had a lot to learn and I wanted to be the best partner I could be. I changed. I made real efforts and I was so happy.

Then it ended over breakfast. He said he did not love me. Despite the hundreds of times he said it. He said he couldn’t do this. He wasn’t good enough for the future he could see me planning in my mind. It was over. It was awful. I was so angry. Then as quickly as I had fallen I was over it. I felt empowered and awesome and I looked amazing and was the lightest I’d ever been and I was fiercely happy with ME.

Then he called. He wanted to talk. I said yes, but on my terms. We met. I said I was doing really well. I said I was happy. I gave him back the rest of his things. He said he made a mistake. He said he was rash. He said he was confused and stressed and he wanted to see if we could try again. I said I needed to think about it. I knew right then that YES-OH -MY- GOD-YES-I-WANT-TO-GET-BACK-TOGETHER-PLEASE-COME-BACK-I-MISS-YOU-SO- MUCH was my answer. But I waited. I waited and I thought about it and I worried that I was giving up some newfound self love to go back to something that I wasn’t sure was ever going to work. I knew I could work hard and try hard and make it work because love is not easy. It can be fun and great and carefree but you have to work at that. But I didn’t know if he could.

A week went by. My birthday came and went and I spent it in a bar I didn’t like with people I didn’t know and I was sad. He didn’t call. He didn’t text. For a guy who wanted me back so bad he seemed pretty happy to not talk to me. I told him we could talk.

He finally responded. We met. We talked. I said that things had to be different. That we couldn’t start where we left off I hurt too much. I could forgive him but I didn’t know how long that would take. It is hard to be guarded when that person has already seen you with your guard down. He said he couldn’t promise anything. I said I wasn’t asking him to. I just wanted better communication and better discussion so I wasn’t blind sided again. He agreed. We started over. His step mother died. Things got sped up. Everything hurt. We missed her last breath by moments. It was my fault. I left my wallet in the car. We would have been there. But we weren’t. He felt awful about it. I still think it is my fault we missed it. I skipped my family christmas to support his. I felt overwhelmed by it all. I hurt so much because I knew they did too.

We came home. I felt loved and supported and I tried so hard to support him. He was distant but school was stressful and grief is hard. I let it go. I was stressed, sad, and angry. I felt left out, I felt as if I had been working so hard and we were no better. I tried to communicate and be present. He didn’t. He started living with me again. He paid no rent and I let him. I felt happy he was here and secure like his presence was a sign of the love he felt even if he didn’t say it.

He got more distant.

He crashed my car.

We had sex less and less.

Things felt forced. I felt alone.

I thought we were coming off the rough patch. We talked. Let our stresses out and worked together. It felt good. This is what an adult relationship is. We are together in this not alone. If I wanted to be alone I would be.

Then we didn’t come out of it. I resented him. He stopped talking to me the way he used to.

There was a fight.

5 days without talking.

I confronted him drunk and sad. He said it was over. I yelled. I cried. It still hurts.

I still love him and I don’t have a damned clue why.

He got what he wanted. He can do what he wants now. He does not have to worry about making me feel anything.

I’m a mess. It hurts like a festering wound that just will not heal. It aches when it shouldn’t and somehow I am looking for ways conscious or not to let him back.

He doesn’t want to come back. He is not coming back.

It still hurts. I’m still hurting. I have never been so low. I have never felt so unlike myself.

I’m getting some help. I hope he does. I hope he finds peace. I hope I do too.

This Life

This freaking life. 

I have had the most insane last month. I looked at the calendar the other day and in the last 30 days more things, significant, life changing insane things, have happened than have happened to me in a really long time. 

Right now I feel a lot of things. I feel hurt, strong, like I want to punch someone, like I’m carpe-ing the fuck out of all the diems, like I’m a little bit more raw than I really want to be right now but that this is what I get and so I better keep moving. 

The only way out is up. You deserve more. Life is good. Take it one day at a time. Care less, do more. Man up. Feel what you need to feel. and a huge number of other inspirational and feel good things have been thrown at me, I’ve been swallowing them and trying to breathe. 

I hope that whatever comes next is as amazing as I think it is. I have great faith my life will work out. But fuck right now it just feels a bit…it feels a bit broken. I cannot recall the last time so many changes have come at once. I’m never ready. I’m not going to start now. But I just want things to work. The intent is a powerful one. You can only want something so hard. One day it will come. I just hope that it is sooner rather than later. 

It’s been nearly a week since I chose not to go. Apart from the eerie silence from the recruiter everything is coming up Millhouse. 

I cannot recall a time in my life when it made so little sense. Except around the time I finished my first degree…maybe there is something to be said about me finishing educational milestones? 

But I have decided many things. First, while I love you all I’ve got to stop caring what everyone else is thinking about what on earth I am doing. Because NOBODY CARES. B, that I have no idea what I am doing and whenever I just let the universe take the wheel it somehow works for me. So I’m not going to start trying to figure out the grand plan now. 3, I am going back to my old plan – Care less and Do more. Why? Because it fucking works that’s why. 

I get to hold all the cards in my life and it is about damn time I stop giving it all away to whoever rolls up next. 

So it’s gonna be a whirlwind. But I’m going to take Evan’s advice and intend some things. 

You can’t make nothing out of nothing. 

 

DFTBA

The week that changed everything

This time one week ago I was a a friends house drowning my so called sorrows in glass after glass of gin and soda. 

This week has been full of ups and downs and a lot of self reflection and really deciding on what I really want. WHAT I WANT. That was a bit of a novel concept. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about what it actually was that I wanted. I had been spending so much time being worried about how other people would handle what I chose. How other people would react when I told them something or other. How they would feel. I felt that I had built up so much of my self worth along with a decision that in actual reality was totally in consequential. I felt that if I didn’t do this I would be letting them down. But do you want to know what I came to realize this week? That it didn’t matter what they thought. If I was really doing this for myself I would feel good about it and I didn’t. I have spent weeks feeling sick about a decision that I thought I HAD to make. There is a an excellent quote that I see online often that says “What you allow is what will continue.” That is exactly what was happening. I’ve been all over the place for the last week and while that may not seem like a lot time it has been more than enough to bring real clarity to an otherwise foggy decision and has put my happiness at the forefront for the first time in an awfully long time. 

So I’m not going to move to the UK. I have chosen for many many many varied and coloured reasons that staying here is the right choice for me. It may rub some people the wrong way. It may sound flakey. It may seem insane. But the bottom line is that I am so much happier with this choice than I ever was with the choice to go. 

So I hope you all can understand and if you can’t that’s ok because I’m the one who’s going to live with my choices and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. 

 

It has been an astonishingly long time since I posted anything on here despite the fact that I had started and simply not finished several posts about life and what not. 

 

I have decided that in an effort to keep myself sane, smart and generally less unhappy about everything I am going to start reading more. Like reading as many books as possible. I spend far far too much time watching tv and youtube and the like. 

So it begins today with me vowing to finish Allegiant by the end of the month. Totally doable. I have a huge list of books I’ve been wanting to read or have started and left unfinished so I will pull from there and wherever strikes my fancy over the coming months. 

 

Keep an eye out for more posts and in general more enjoyment because hell, I only get to do this once. 

I do not want t…

I do not want to live in a world that focuses only on SUCK and never on AWESOME” – John Green

I found this quote a couple of days ago and it resonates with me like nothing else! 

The last 5 months have been hard. I’m having a hard time. I don’t like growing up much. But alas it is something we need to do. So with that in mind and the fact that I need to kill my year. I want the adventure and the joy that only truly accepting that you make those things happen can bring. With that this Nerdfighter is going to fight to decrease world suck, to teach with passion and joy, to smile at every single moment, to close the floodgates and to hit the road. I have already decided where this year is going to go and I know that it will include adventures and laughter and a whole lot of learning. 

I refuse to focus only on suck this year. I will always remember the awesome. 

 

DFTBA